It’s been two years since I left him, and one year since I was legally free of him, yet my head still reels from the lies I was told. I know now that most of his stories from his past came directly from movies, the most famous among them was the Dirty Dozen. Oh yes, he claimed, he, too was plucked from prison for a special mission in Bosnia. He even had elaborate tales about the “tests” he was put though and how he passed with his quick intellect and leadership skills. He even had convenient reasons there was no evidence of his association with the SAS: he was a “spook” and his “record was wiped.”
It took me almost 15 years to put together the facts: his stories changed over time, not because he was trusting me more and therefore telling me the “real story” (as he claimed when I confronted him), but because he couldn’t always remember his own lies. It wasn’t until we moved to Australia and he started telling stories to other people, stories about our shared past. I was there to experience the events; his stories were way more interesting than what actually happened. Sometimes I would be drunk enough to dispute his version of events. I always paid for my insolence. I learned, over time, he actually believed his lies.
I realize now how sad and insecure he really is; how he had to put me down to make himself feel better. He was excellent at establishing a sense of mystery by beginning a good, juicy story and then suddenly stopping because he had already “said too much.” I always believed the narrative, no matter how far-fetched it became. I wanted to believe it. I can’t say for sure whether I really wanted him to be that interesting or I didn’t want to believe I was married to a liar.
Although, I knew he was a liar. I’d seen his lies play out in our daily life. He lied to everyone. He lied to his ex, he lied to his kids, he lied to clients and bosses. He lied to people he employed. He lied to my family and to my friends; even to his own mother. At one point, I cornered him about the lies he told other people (I was feeling insecure about the stories he was telling me) and he told me that he never lied to me and I “should know that because we’re in a relationship,” he convinced me I was the only person that he didn’t lie to. I believed him because I didn’t want to believe he was deceiving me.
He would “catch” other people in lies, but I began to see he was setting them up. He was the master of the double-bind; placing someone in a situation in which any decision they made would be the “‘wrong” one. I know he did it to me, he told me as much. He called them his “litmus tests.” He said I passed. He said he had to do it when we first met, because after his last relationship, he had to be sure I was not like her. He said he didn’t “test” me anymore. I wanted so badly to please him and know our relationship was solid, I went along with the lies.
For our entire relationship, I believed his ex, the mother of his three children, was as “crazy” as he had painted her. I now understand he didn’t want the two of us making nice, I might hear something that put a crack in his shaky veneer. Well, the oldest daughter is getting married, and last weekend had her bridal shower. It was a wonderful event, set in a garden tea party atmosphere in a small, private venue. I was a little nervous going, as I would have to interact with her mother and we had only had negative exchanges in the past.
I arrived early and only the family and maid of honor were there. I knew them all well and was chatting with her childhood best friend and sisters when her mother came out of the kitchen and spotted me. I had planned to let her set the tone, it was, after all her daughter’s wedding and I didn’t want to intrude on her mom space. I was prepared to let her ignore me if that was going to make her more comfortable. She didn’t ignore me. She walked right up to me and wrapped me in a big, warm hug. We talked as if we were old friends. I soon realized we are old friends. We’re both strong women, who have been through the same war. There is no reason why we need to have tension between us. I am looking forward to the wedding, more so now the tension is relieved.
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